Some Things

 Here's the index, so you can see the reading you've missed :-P. Today is Sunday August 24 at 1pm. Ha! I finished and it's just barely 2pm. Fastest post ever.

I have some thoughts

• Look at that smile, its golden. That's the smile of winning. Of pure elation. Freedom. I sometimes miss that guy. I don't miss how he was going to keep getting screwed, over and over again, and jailed even, beaten no less, but I miss that smile and the experience that caused it. I don't think I've smiled like that since then, not from as deep. The closest I've come have been some experiences with you, ayahuasca or that next journey to Central/South America

• If you're catching up, whether it be in order or backwards, or are just reading this one solo, I explained winning in the previous post.😉

• I'm trying to keep these smaller, less overwhelming. I did it, i knew I did. I felt it, but. I kept going. I hope its not irrecoverable. Please, read some, there's a few recent ones (a, b, especially, c, d, e, f) that are very telling, they explain the feelings that I went through to arrive here. My feelings have evolved. I think the infatuation is over. As  much as I can allow, I love you.😘 You're a dear friend. Through these posts you know a lot about me. More than any person ever. Hopefully, one day, we'll share in that knowledge, of each other. But some elephants obfuscate that goal, and have me pondering its reality.

• I see great potential, but you're still lost and not using it. You're allowing it to pass, like sand, through your fingers. You can do much better. You've got to fight. You've got to stand and make strides on your own two feet, impervious to everyone and everything.

  1.  Hide your stash, bust it into sub stashes and keep your true stash close, don't let anyone know. You've got to use the tool that is methadone, its not about getting off as much as its about learning to control and being able to move forward towards the goal. The goal is independence and that motorhome. You've got to be stingy and selfish. Yes, it'll feel wrong but step back and realize that the wrong of stingy is less overwhelming than the feeling of despair and helplessness that you feel by not hiding your stash. Its the only step you need to worry about on that path to chemical independence or control.

  2. You're unhappy. It's a roommate thing. Changing that is going to require perseverance and dedication and a lot of work. From what I've been told about half of all women go through divorce successfully. Not as a woman, but as a human, I've gone through it. I'm willing to help, but I'm not going to drag you because the will has to come from within yourself, much like point 1, above.

  3. If you're going to work, then work. If you're going to claim disability then do it. But either way quit fucking around and go. No more bullshit. Get up and work, move towards that goal. or get up and allocate time and get food stamps and disability. Neither one is that hard, although working is going to require more sweat and sacrifices.

  4.  I've said it in the past but I'll say it again. You can survive with my disability. In ways we both know, we yearn for the same life and we're compatible. I hope and pray you can get trough #1-3 without #4, because its a house of cards any other way. I'm willing to go about it anyway you want. You take enough steps towards fixing 2 so that we can both feel comfortable and lets go. I somehow feel that you've got to get so far through #2 alone and I've got to get my section 8, then we'll be able to, if thats the plan, join forces and start fixing #3 with a disability claim and finish #2 before we tackle #1. Its at that time that we can finalize our alliance as a team and both go stepwise towards a mutual goalpost of chemical control or abstinence, unobfuscated by the challenges which are identifiable now.

• I'm not going to lecture you (any more), but I'm also not going to support the actions that I feel are just prolonging the agony of not reaching your goal. My giving money to you isn't going to solve anything. I'm trying to postion myself to not be able to do so anymore. I'm a softie and still somewhat in the throws of infatuation, so I'll prolly continue to do so at the expense of my being able to see any other solution than #4. In other words if you're going to feel comfortable with any more of my income we should make some strides towards me feeling more comfortable  in sharing more. But I think that battle is mine alone to wage. And its got to be loud or not at all. 

• I want to, above all, see you win. No doubt I'd love nothing more tan to be close at your side when you do win, but I more so just yearn to know that you did. I believe in you. You have my never-ending support. I yearn to spend moer time with you. I feel like somehow that time with you has been on the decline even though its been on the up-tick. I think its just that my want has been outpacing reality or even my desired reality at an ever increasing pace. I'll live.'

• You do you, I'll keep doing me. In the mean while just know that I <3 U dearly and treasure the budding relationship that we share. Let's keep sharing.