On the line

 Here's JUST the posts of the month of June. Today is Wednesday, the 31st, 11:11am (It's June 1 at 1:30am, I'm just putting the finishing touches on it and its frightening to put this out there, but I believe that I'll survive)

All I know at this point is that you've had a shit show since Memorial Day or during that whole weekend after I came over. Maybe i brought over the bad juju. I did manage to get your page up so you can type in Cleaningmindfully.com and get there. I even added a page of positive customer reviews, a mission statement and some rates, along with a task sheet. Look at the review from me, hahah. I had AI generate them all. With mine being in the voice of snoop dogg. Fun stuff. It's just a shell but I'm relying on you to  get me some feedback. But you've got a lot going on now. I feel for ya, I really do. (Here we go, no more caution tape)  If i get any closer I'm liable to really get myself in hot water. I can feel it. And I don't want to go there. Well, I'm gettin the feeling I do, but my 2nd guess on the situation is that I shouldn't. (throwing caution to the wind, I'm going to  leave this in and proceed, so do take it with a grain of salt)  I think i'm just going through the natural motions and I've just gotta be aware of that and take deep breaths and this portion will fade and calm down. I've never been this aware and here before so its new and I'm guessing, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I mean it this way. I've got a heart brain and soul. my heart is trying to control the show and pull me a certain way. My brain says that I shouldn't follow my heart cuz he's just gonna gang up with my penis and I'll be hopeless. My soul informs me that if we proceed with it his way, that either of the two outcomes makes me happy. But he only has 1/4 the pull that my penis heart combo has. I can be more forward I think. If you weren't attached, I'd have asked you out on a date. I'm really taking a shine to you, but I think that, it's a natural emotion. Not that I need to stuff, but that i need to enjoy and be keenly aware of. Let it do its thing, its natural. I mean, after all, let's look at the facts as I see them: you're hella cute, spunky, got a great ass especially when it's tucked in those tight pants, and overall you're one hell of a  nice woman, a great catch, and worth a lot more affection, attention and adoration and respect  than you're getting at home. If i could, I'd shower you with all of it. Ahh there's so many examples I'd like to give, but they're better left unspoken right now. (Your imagination always does a better job at story telling than reality).

All in all, I can't recall a time when i feel more aligned with someone. Every time I've needed guidance you've come back with an answer smack dab in the middle of the best route. I've, first off, never been good at seeing these feelings let alone expressing them, so this is a first for me and I'm placing alot of faith in you to do the right thing here which i think is to not overreact. I've kinda got two friends in you and i've got to share this with one of them. But maybe we can just let all that remain out of the way and keep it as a secret I didn't share with you. One that I kept to myself because it's not right for me (and this whole speech may not be that fair either, but I've got to confide in someone somehow) to be putting you in an awkward situation of having to keep me at bay. You don't. Until such time as your situation changes or some dramatically different happens, you have my word I won't do anything inappropriate. Despite my more vocal components, trying to egg me on. Fuck peer pressure. You may get a little banter here or there or maybe even some non-innocent flirting. Respectfully I say, STFU and deal with it. Be flattered. 

We made some progress on the RV today, and that makes me really happy. I've said before that I believe that going forward is more important that my nervousness. I believe with every inch of my soul, that, even though we've known each other for only a short time, that this is something that I will not end up regretting and that I won't be a victim of any wrong doings. I'm gonna want to retain ownership and to have a simple rental agreement despite knowing that they hold almost no weight. That is unless you want to just borrow it but no in either case I'd want a simple rental agreement. What worries me? Well, we both know that these RVs never stay in shape and they constantly, glacially, fall apart. At some point halfway to the end of a $50 monthly lease to own agreement, It'll be worth less than you owe. Just out of formality's sake, I'm making a Will soon, you can have the title then, if not sooner. I know that sounds gruesome but it's how I want to do things. Plus, I always was a good boy scout, forever prepared. I hate surprises. The other fear I have is that it'll somehow be the wedge that gets between us rather than the glue that bonds us. I know that sounds gushy but I think it's appropriate to how one of my concerns is shaped. Money tends to find its way into having a deleterious effect on everything. I don't know how you'll be able to finance it, but somehow I think you'll swim rather than sink. 

I think I said at one point, that in the not so distant future, it may be advantageous for us to broach and discuss another even more dangerous subject. I do think that I'm correct in my assessment that I'm worth more dead than alive. I believe I read that my widow would get $1300 ($1351 or 1531) a month in perpetuity. Some people may consider it scamming the system, but as a means for me to be able to help you even in the event of my passing, there's no better way. The only stipulation I saw is that I  have to have been married for one year prior to my passing for my widow to be entitled to any spousal benefits. So, quit screaming out loud. I can totally hear you from over here. That last bit wasn't what it seemed but it was. I guess it kind of flies right in the face of and discredits the first few paragraphs. I see it going one of three ways: either it was dumb to bring up and not particularly harmful, or it shatters something, but possibly my favorite outcome will transpire and that my honesty was worth something and it at least does no damage or  even some good. If we need to ignore it then so be it. Just don't let it bring in negativity, I meant no harm in thinking out loud. I do have a big shortcoming in being able to be in other people's shoes, I'm without that ability, but statistically I can see it can go one of those ways. BUt after all, the next three years will slip by rather quickly, time seems to accelerate as we age. I Simply want to help, not harm.

Lastly, but certainly not least at all, I finished the article on my grandfather and his contribution and story and legend the bigfoot phenomenon. He seems to be at the origination of the term bigfoot instead of Sasquatch in Humboldt in 1958. I'm quite proud of that part of my heritage. I also added to some of the story about me, the autobiographical ramblings, but it got fairly personal and I may just leave it unlinked, I don't know. The article is here.

The next post, I promise, is the conclusion to the hotspring trilogy, quadrilogy.

Briefly: I stumbled onto the cat with "Leopard Messiah" A play on the metallica tune. The other was from a church I photographed in Leon, Nicaragua, spiced up with "Nights in White Satin" another play on words.

Music, I love. A Michael Jackson cover by Chris Cornell. Both deaths a tragedy. I was a big Soundgarden fan back in the day, but didn't like much of his music post Soundgarden except for a few of his covers. Thank You is coming up, a Led Zeppelin cover. It is perhaps my most favorite song in the world. I even played it at my wedding. I can sing it by heart.