Ventilador

 Here's the index, so you can see the reading you've missed :-P. Today is Saturday, the 29th, 11:11am, Sunday August 6 at 2:17am.. Im putting all the videos and what not to bed, in a way. They'll have a permanent home on the Buku Dark Web, but If at some time in the future, if I can figure out an automated way to take the playlists that I have on YouTube and serve them up on a page here I may do that (and I know how to do that now).  Today is Thursday, August 3, 12:45pm. I'm cleaning up the conclusion a bit and as much as I want to call this done, it's not and I'll have to put more work into i later.

Moving right along.  I've accomplished a few things in the past couple of days. week.

1. I got a Parrot Linux box up and running, and fully networked to be controlled remotely. Then I can do some better OSINT doxing on people and better have access (they come mostly preloaded) to the tools necessary to crack some hashed passwords and stuff like that. It'll give me another avenue for all that stuff and something just to make sure I never have to worry about boredom. 

2. I almost had my app up and running for the completing of beta version 1 (but in the bigger scheme of things its named version 8.18.3a). This one doesn't have a map but it'll allow you to sort based upon your current location or time. So you'll be able to bring up photos of mushrooms on this day all  the way back to 2000, giving you an idea on what day may be a  good day to hunt. I mean there's alot more factors that day of the year obviously. You'll also be able to sort by location so that you can pull out your phone somewhere and see if any photos were taken nearby or in the are or region even. Ican kinda do that with the built in photos app, but this is just dedicated to mushrooms and all the rest of the features are left out making it more useful. Plus its been entertaining to build. I'm learning a lot about AI in the process. The plug ins are pretty cool, i've discovered. They've got ones where you can give it a youtube video and within seconds ot spits out a one page summary. That one is pretty cool and fairly accurate with the little bit that I have played around with it. They've got ones where you feed it a long bit of text and it'll summarize it, or any webpage for that matter. But now that one, I tested it on things I've written and its not even close to being in the ballpark. Either that or I don't know what I'm saying and  I'm smarter than I think I am. They've got ones that'll build forms and make webpages, and business summaries and all sorts of shit. And I've just barely scratched the surface You can only have three running at one time, but still its pretty cool. I'm messing around with the code interpreter beta right now, and its fucking awesome. You can just zip file your code and it'll digest it all and point out errors and correct them, and they've increased some of the character limits and such. Way cool. BUt for all that its got some serious drawbacks. While in any one session it does great at first, it slowly falls out of character as it starts imitating you. So you've got to stay in character. And it you don't watch it, the thing will start substituting words like here's an example of how I would approach this task and it'll substitute generic variables instead of using yours and take a different route to the end, and if you just paste that in, boy it'll mess some things up pretty good. So anyway, I had reached a point where the solution had almost arrived and it just wasn't able to come up with the solution and I didn't want to have to start a new session and train it with all of the data again, so I kept working with it it and hoping when it starts say all we can do is install this other program and you'll have to change your code but it'll be easy and i'll walk ya through  it and i tried and it was  failure. Fuck I was mad, so i retrained another one and it was like, why are you doing that? Let's just port your few remaining functions from python to javascript so the whole thing is more portable and accessible and in javascript, it'll be easy. I thought I was getting somewhere and i noticed the spiral coming where it gets stuck in a corner and refuses to look at things any other way, so i abandoned that and went back to a version i had which was actually a little closer to  being done considering i was simpler and had less cooks in the kitchen, and poof, ten hours later i'm to the point to where i can see the light at he end of the tunnel, its still acting like a mirage but i can feel it. I took a step back and started adding some error catching and process logging code so i can see what's happening and catch the small bugs that pile on. It basically sorts and filters but not correctly but its kinds makes multiple loops to get one sort and, weird little things.

3. Enough of that. I do hope you follow through and get a hold of me after you finish you 'shift' tonight. I could use a change of scenery and some human contact wouldn't be so bad. Before i even knew you, and i don't think it would have been an event you remembered but I do. I remember I was feeling lonely and alone. I was having crying fits but you didn't know that. I remember I kinda in a sideways manner, asked you what i knew was a not even worth trying to get what i needed from Monica who was for a long time, my only human contact outside of Tom (and Lori and  Lloydii) well i mean that's how it was for a long time. I moved here, and was poof, alone, by myself, i had a bag of clothes, a computer and my phone, and a pipe. I was on probation so I  was always stressed on having a surprise visit by the probation officer. I kept my shit buried deep under my mattress in a tucked away spot in the underneath. Once a day, sometimes never but never twice, I would take a walk to a spot I had and smoke a fast bowl, and for a while during the day, i'd bury my pipe and stash under (sometimes up to a quarter ounce if it was just around payday, and, shit, at that time I was living off of $200 a month, and buying a quarter minimum, lol $110 plus gas and it would last me all month. I prolly invest about the same a month a month into it but its out of $914  and a lot easier to manage and justify, but i would actually bury my stash,  i would make sure i was still awake at 4,, before day break by an hour, sometimes as late as 6, and I had a pack of cigarettes that I never smoked, but i would bring them so it cooled like i smoked and make a certain walk and ditch it in a premade hole i had and cover it with a premade grass and twig cover) a tree across the street from Walmart. I'd smoke a bowl or two at night and stay up all night, sleeping rarely, if at all. I think when i finally met Tom, i'd had that pattern for almost a year, maybe 9 months. I didn't talk to anyone. My probation officer once a month. Very briefly. Other than that I had my buddy in Kennewick in Eastern Washington and we would talk on Messenger quite a bit at times, not texting though, but we liked the audio clips like a walkie talkie. But still no real human interaction. So needless to say, I was happy when Tom came along, because on two occasions a month it gave me someone to talk to, and he actually came around a little more than that, at times he would spend the night, and i'd do my thing and watch him sleep, i mean, i couldn't trust him cuz I didn't know him, so I'd stay awake and listen to youtubes on conspiracy theories and researching how to stay one step away from the spies that had entrenched into my life and were stealing my sanity one  brain cell at a time. Shit  I can remember, having not had a way to clean my floor for 5 months or something, so it was getting pretty gnarly and I noticed the small bits of white on the floor, i  had to taste them of course to see if they were dope, some were, cuz i was hitting the bong too fast and hard and the shit would pop like popcorn and fly out of the bowl, but it would hide amongst the textured ceiling that was also falling onto the carpet but that was all amidst the strands of not staying attached to my head long gray hair, and anyway i remember in a matter of days having picked the whole floor clean, taste everyone and holding some of them under a blacklight, clean and by clean i mean down to the carpet mat clean, one nugget at a time, that's how high  i was. (Wo) Man I was so high when I met Tom i remember the look on his face when I was telling him about my schizophrenia and how I didn't  sleep much, I couldn't because they were going to get me, and how they had infiltrated my computer and implanted this high tech gps device in my van, i remember the look on his face as he was getting a glimpse into my insanity, and at time ai actually tough that he believed me, but that looks was priceless, and at that time i dunno i was sleeping about once a month for about 3-4 days without waking up, well i'd get up to pee and to eat some cereal and go back t sleep. I would take naps sitting up in my chair dozing off to how to videos about computer hacking, the offensive security, active passive aggressive sort of things, I was just barely starting to get into the brain at that time so i was listening to alot of psychological lectures and shit like that, videos on how to read body language, the NSA giving lectures on the state of spyware on our phones, all sorts of shit. And mind you i wasn't just high and making stories up in my head. There were some pretty sick mother fuckers living up in here. They were entrenched. One of them was a janitor. He had a key. I noticed at first i lost about 2/3 of my obama money i mean covid money, but it was a $20 here or there then I hadn't spent any on a few months nad  I wanted to get a  big bag cuz I had waited long enough and it was basically gone. Fucker robbed me a twenty at a time every time i went to the grocery store, which was no more than twice a month. Fucker. Erik. He's a big black man. He's in prison now. They stole my catalytic converter out from under my van one night. I caught, on videotape, a convertible car get stolen, it was amazing. I quickly erased it. Two men laughing popped open my door one night after i let it get really quiet after hearing weird noises. At first the handle jiggled, and again, and again, and i went quietly to go see, and kapow they burst in and i caught the, they said oops and ran away. That's when i developed my redneck alarm system. It was some dollar store christmas jingle bells wrapped around and self propped up by the door handle so if they handle jiggled so much as a little those bells would ring and they would amplify thesleves based upon the way i had the center of gravity offset an spy of holding itself up and over. Kitsch  in a way but they worked. I had these android phones, a whole mess of them and they all were running the same security camera software so that as long as one was the viewer you could seamlessly network 4 or more together and even watch them through a web browser, so I could keep watch over all the entrances and stuff.. I didn't sleep much, where was i? Oh yea, Tom, he thought I was crazy. I kinda was. But I kinda had some real life drama happen. So despite all of his many shortcomings I kept Tom around. Cuz he could talk. And he liked doing it. I needed it. But it was about the 6 months or so after  I met Tom that I met Monica. I hated her at first. Shittiest drug dealer on the planet. But she could talk the talk. And something about her, despite her not knowing how to tell time, she without too much prodding told me about being a ma'am and had some stories to back  it up. She seemed legit. I latched on to that bit about being the madam and shortly after hearing about that asked her if she still knew any of her girls, If he could be discreet and kew of any that knew about fetishes. Light BDSM heavy on the psychological, probably could get away without getting naked or touching even. I said the hourly didn't matter i knew id only be able to afford fractions of an hour a month, but i'd be willing to pay, more for quality. She said that she thought she did and if she didn't why then she wild take it up herself. And that is where this story comes to a Y in the road. One way takes us to the SWIM story and the other one continues down this path to my crying fits and that lonely day. I'll pick up SWIM at a later date, one thing I know for certain is that SWIM isn't going anywhere. Plus, that one is already written, just waiting. it's been written since about April. March maybe. But anyway, I got to know Monica. I dug her. We got along. She didn't know shit about BDSM, but then no one really does. Some people think  they do. Give them a blindfold and cuffs and offer ti put them on yourself. Icicles. 97 of 100 don;'t have a clue. of the other three, two are bottoms. and think they're tops. I'm a switch. There's nothing better than pulling the strings and controlling your domme while playing the bottom. It'd get you kicked out of most parties. But anyway. Monica. We got a long. We kinda dated. I just couldn't get her to spend time with me. Time with her, most of the time i felt more alone than being by myself. But I needed her. I needed that out let. Human connection. The skin touching. The eyes connecting. The things Monica is NOT about. I did try to get close. I quickly learned about boundaries. I had to enforce them. Because if I didn't,  as I quickly learned, she would trample all over me. Anyway,  I tried to get lose and never getting very far. Which was hard because after the long time being alone, being lonely was starting to get to me. A feeling I had never experienced before. It was uncomfortable. And I think it was due to monica. She'd check out so far whenever i was around, not only did i start to feel like i was the reason why but i kept expecting to spend some time with her and getting pushed away was bringing on this feeling of being lonely. I didn't like it. It turns out I do rather well being alone.I have practiced it since I was barely out of diapers. But I despise being lonely, which is how i feel in a group of people and don't have a place or hanging out with someone who is preoccupied. I just remember being so frustrated that it was tearing me up inside. I don't think we were really talking that much but I twice tried to convey my feelings on how i just wanted a fucking hug, i just want someone to hold me. And that's the thing, if i ever appear lost or scared, i just need to be reminded that everything is going to be alright, either that or give me a hug. It's not survival of the fittest single organism, its survival o the best adapted group. I did a research paper on that in college, basically saying darwin got it wrong. Anyway, I had been sick, with the flu or something, and i remember the random fits of crying. I just wanted some human interaction. I asked you if or told you that if you were closer i could hug you and that would be enough. that i wanted to just be in someone's arms, as a friend or whatever just one night. Just for one hour. Heck just for one minute. Please. I think you said you didn't understand. This would predate turkey day by about 2 months. The turkey was cuz I was nervous. I overdid it. i don't remember the turkey and woke up the next morning. But The point of the story was about feeling more alone with someone than without. I really should have kept the momentum on this story going while i had it because as hard as i try i can't remember where i wanted to end it. It was something, somehow was going to tie it i to you in another way than just the admission or getting turned down or i just don't really remember. Maybe i was going to introduce SWIM, but I didnt. oh well.

Lyrics, sometimes they matter, other time its a faceless instrument evolking another feeling. The song's title, "Spit Shine Your Black Cloud," is a juxtaposition of opposites. Personal struggles with overcoming negative emotions, but you can't hide, "your eyes betrayed you again" A great fucking song. A band most people will despise. Yet  I love them. I spent almost two years where I wouldn't play anything but The Blood Brothers (This band) and The Gits and Juliette Lewis. I wore them out.

Links, sometimes they are good and have substance, other times its just a lot of me talking and story telling. Noteworthy ones that should interest you are Cookies, Jump Back Jack, Helter Skelter. From June there are a few, Let's Go is one.

Music, I love it. It's my life's blood in a way. The videos and music source list served as great subtext (Subtext is a concept taken from the infamous South Park episode of the Musicals). There's so many double entendres and hidden gotchas and underscored meanings in a lot of the video list sometimes once you see it, you cant even see the video. Maybe you should go glance through a few lol a lot are about you. I dropped hints in the individual 404s, left some breadcrumbs here and there. lol but I have left it behind. Of course they'll always remain in the 404s its just that moving forward I won't be cluttering the page with that feature anymore.

And I can add some juice behind the wetness that is all the subtext. It started out as a way to tell you things but not embarrass myself. Because I was too shy to even just type it. After a while, it became fun and just something i was doing that (i presumed) you didn't know about. Plus i became more confident and able to express  myself (in here at least) without fear. I know that even though you will probably judge (and you should) me for some of the things I admit, that you are able to or can act like it just rolls on your back, like water on a duck's back. I think a lot of it, had i not a place where i could say some things or someone to admit them to,  that they would have drown me, and now I'm able to gain my confidence and move forward.

An example would be on Pseudo-Random Rambling, look at the highlighted songs, not the ones that correspond to the videos being discussed, but the other ones. What are the song titles? That's just a simple example. And, mind you, they're not meant to be taken literally. (Well, you are hot, but that's not the point) I got more complicated with some of them. Very few but some. I'm always burying double entendrés here and there. Even the headline to this one.