I Wanna… I Gotta…

 Here's the index, so you can see the reading you've missed :-P. Today is Tuesday September 12 at 7:30pm. 

I have some thoughts. I've had them for a very very long time.

• It's that time again. Every third minute I think about seeing if my Fet-Life account is still active. I have a clear understanding of what I want and I'm spinning my wheels elsewhere. Fuck I hate saying that. But its true. The truth hurts sometimes. Stings a little. But if I'm honest with myself i knew all along that my other ideas were long shots at the best, like a fart's chance in a tornado. I'm not giving up by any stretch of the imagination. Life is too full of baskets to not plop a few eggs in a few more. And life is too short. It happens so fast. Lightning disguised as molasses. Sweet like honey but bitter like snorting lemon pepper.

• I think its about trying harder. Piling up more failures. One, two; that's not nearly enough. Thats doomed to fail from the get-go. Dozens. Fifty. One hundred. The solution is in the failures. And the brutal honesty. It worked before. Of course, that too, was a failure but it was a failure in the right direction. I shouldn't have lost faith.

• The failures that followed the one failure were epic. Amidst a plethora of options i went the wrong fucking way. Fucking stupid. Never again will I fuck stupid. But then I went back to a losing recipe. And lost back to back, hard. Detained. Chained. Fooled. Deceived. Deluded. Idiots.

• I am not angry. I am determined. Laser focused. I am connecting the dots looking backwards. Through the looking glass of hindsight.

• Do i nurture, sculpt, mold, create? Do I dare? That holds a high probability of failure, but long term failure. Searching out pre-made, already sculpted, highly dangerous, lots of short term, wrong turns, ever in search of the elusive one.

• I can feel it welling up inside me. I won't be the same if I must be Dom. I must resist. The answer is in the bossy bitch with a kind side. And smart is what makes that a one in a million crapshoot. I don't have a lot to give but what i do have I can give 120%. I will. I'm good. I'm worthy. I will not be caught fucking stupid again. Not the fourth time. Three was enough.

• I want my equal. No wait. Scratch that. I want to struggle to keep up. Outwit me. Out think me. Out do me. Leave me in the dust. I'll keep up. I will rise to the challenge. I always do. And can I have a side order of no goals, low expectations with that brilliance? Willing to just be? Fart in the bathtub, smoke a bowl for breakfast, over some high octane tunes with nothing to do but crossword puzzles, discover more hidden finds , stashes of pirated beauty? the first to the score of whatever? Recite all the trees in the forest for fun? Teach me to basket-weave? Sew me kilt?

• Challenge me, love me, rise above me, keep me on my toes, spank me, tease me, teach me, learn from me, grow with me. If I don't put forth what I want I'll never attain it. The future is what you make it it and you can't make it if you don't know what it is. I'm putting it out there. If I call for her, will she come? I must beat my drum. It resonates with few but those whom it does, will know what to do and where to go.

• I've said too much already. Or have i? All I can hear is the beat of my own drum...