In the Before Time

To recap: Here's an index to these pages of blabbering,

i tend to think if we care, its not gossiping, and thats how i give myself an excuse for discussing monica. i do care. i mean, i really wanted to be her boyfriend, i couldn’t because of this stuff. look, ima n addict. i change my behavior based upon my desire to do drugs, but i don’t keep the volume knob at 11 24/7. she does. i never saw her not using the limits on the drugs she could do. she’s trying to hide from something, and its probably herself. she is 100% going to lose that job. I’m sorry. i call’m like i see’m.its corporate and they really love hero she’d be gone already. I’ve given her a chin updont fuck up, you need this’d you’re luckily not fired already. she already talks like se lost the job. it sucks. i don’t know how long i want to watch its frustrating for me not being to figure out a way to affect some positive change, to help, even just a little. everting  can think of would just end up with her having more stash, killing herself faster. staying over there was just an excuse for her to do more. every night it was like I’m gonna kick back early watch tv and goto bed, I’m tired, and they get loaded and barely  be conscious until 3-5 am and sleep until 2 or get up at 8 and do more. man and i was serving her tough. at one point donating more stash that i was using, and at times i can use a lot. everything loses its effect with tolerance and without breaks in usage, you end up with something as potent as talcum powder. i was there. all giving her stash would do is give her more money to buy drugs and ask for money to buy more, and being me, i’d give. so does tom, although he rarely admits it. he’s off and on trying to help, to at least fix up her place. he and i both care. but our hands are up, flabbergasted. and I’ve watched 11 seasons of Intervention, thats the pattern and thats what happens until somehow intervening meds to happen, and thats still a long ways off, bandits gonna be hard. man, hehehe woman, sorry vernacular speech, but hey I’m pretty smart, I’ve got lots of stuff i know, it unusual out side of social crap that i can’t put at least a little bit of a a this is what you do to something but outside of intervening, I’m lost and theres no reason for me to speak, it won’t get us any effective ideas. i love her for what she is for who she is and ignore the part of the iceburg thats underwater and i don’t wanna see. eventually the three of us will haft try to intervene. that won’t be pretty and theres an outside chance that we’ll think we caused her demise. until then ,its love who you see and how she is regardless of the sprawling disaster that lays out in front of you. i now I’m pretty harsh but I’m pretty mad and pretty sad, i wanna kick babies, and after this, it’ll all roll off me, I’m sorry you get the brunt end of my feelings on all this. you deserve me holding back some, you’re the closest and i can see her hurt on you, you absorb that, like the dude in the green mile movie. and you know, i dome think she’s bad, i refuse to think anyones bad, we are all sinners, I’m prolly the worst, I’ve got no room in my glass house to throw rocks. i really do have strong warm feelings. i think my clear is causing my fainting spells, or at least adding to it. I’m being stupid despite my cut backs and restraint and rules. i eat salads lol i used to be a vegetarian, that made are so happy digestively. i need to get closer to that goal. i just found out my whole moms side of the family is type 2 diabetic. more reasons to shape up because I’m officially type 1. hey i stayed pre diabetic for almost two decades, I’m proud of that but I’ve let myself crumble. losing my domme really fucked with me, i didn’t see that one, i knew losing my first hurt, i could see that i let that one in, i didn’t see the other, and those tend to hurt the most. I’ve tried in my own way to commit suicide a few times,  i filled my buddies house with thousands of dollars in memorabilia, making some excuse he didn’t fall for, i was gonna just walk, walk until i fell. i talked myself out and i think i knew i would get jailed, i wanted it and got it.damnit i didn’t see the heart failure, that scared me.turning the page is harder than i suspected, than i surmised. baby steps i take when i need to run. just two years ago was sober and tecahingmyself to make apps. anyways, abruptly.... i need to shut the fuck up. i hope she pays you. tom says it won’t be what you expect, there was som untruth there. I’m sorry girlee. i think I’m gunna wash my ass and some clothes today, washing clothes give me time to think, i do it by hand in my tub. i paid for another month in rv storage. she didn’t call like she was supposed to. i was on the right track by working with you guys, and regardless i owe you the world for being my friend, i must be heavy, i feel heavy emotionally. its unattractive. i need to think about that too. man i love blue cheese. i need more salads like that. i once ate a kilo of blue cheese. I’m like that. once again, my apologies for the novel