In the Before Time

To recap: Here's an index to these pages of blabbering,

yes, correct, i think monica said shows protecting me on a couple of occasions not specifically on the phone this time, this time she sold herself on her plan and that she had more experience, vs ian had only driven once, from texas, in all regards thats 36 hours of time, but i wasn’t paying attention, anyway maybe she actually thinks she’s protecting me, and people gotta be careful with that, parents soon realize the harm it causes. Anyway regardless of that, somewhere she woo’ed me, and I’m not able to pin point it exactly but one of the sale points was i thought it was cute when she said that i had been taken advantage of a lot in life and she wasn’t gunna let that happen to Sam, and i know the stories she’s drawing her conclusions from, and i don’t think they apply. i don’t need protection but on the other hand, like from you i would like to continue to get insight endpoint of view; you’ve got a point of view thats helpful and its sharp in the right places. ..... oh i think theres always something you can give, lol, but I’m not going there. you two know each other.... overall I’m not impressed with birthdays anymore, never really was, i haven’t really celebrated one in as long as i can recall, okay i was 28, but thats a long time ago. moving right along, with all due respect i think the point of being alive is coping with th inherent suffering in order to find peace and happiness. I’m not quite as buddhist as i used to be but they’re right, the life is pure suffering, which i try to avoid by being a recluse. that said the happier times in my life were shared times, but they all share one thing in common, even though they shared those awesome times, we created them together rather, even though, in the end they all shat on me. but you’re right that you can’t find the good ones, the ones worth suffering and taking on pain for, unless you somehow weed out the ones who aren’t worth the pain. mother ayahuasca told me i needed to avoid the giving souls as well as the takers, that i was a sharing soul and i needed t find and seek out those. i haven’t been looking after the last two relationship disasters. i should be.  it scared me to be arrested for yelling, while blocking a doorway. considering that got me 11 months, if the police were around for the real fights of my life, id be growing old being bars, yikes. i think through no fault of our own, we all end up hurting other people, its those that do it without regard that suck, they don’t care. somehow pain is inevitable. i may end of being taught some hard lessons the extremely painful way with this move. monica was sure of herself and i went for the bait and tomorrow I’m going to confront her on all that and get the clarity i need. hopefully she follows through. she surprised me when she jumped at the purchasing help, and now I’m hoping it continues a little more, she does have knowledge, and i gotta apologize again, for bailing, but it was all me making split decisions, acting too hastily and i fucked up, next time i need help, it may end up biting me, but I’m gunna need a crash course, i don’t know shit about hookig up nothing. between youtube and you and monica, i hope i can gleam enough to get by. this coming weekend will be the test. and before i go, i should call the management about the weekly spot? i think i shud but your point of view would be appreciated. i think this took over an hour to write, I’ve got to crash