What's Up? ...dude??

Some kinks

Coming clean

I decided that saying something and talking it through may help. Because what im doing now isnt working. Usually this is where i dig my heels in, double down and get ready to persevere by sheer willpower. But something tells me that i'm wrong and this time i need to let it go. What are we talking about? Well, you've probably known for a long time, it kinda was not really a secret but its not like it was the topic of any conversation, until now. And you gotta promise me that you won't let this little thing push you away or change anything. I mean, most likely it'll have an effect. If its old news, its effect will be that you'll tell yourself or me perhaps, something like "its about time you let that one go, that you finally copped to that" or heaven forbid you'll mutter under your breath, "Now just come out and say it out loud, in real time, what are you, chicken?" Well, in a way, yea, i am. Its honestly something ive never done, as in what i'm trying to stop doing and especially putting the brakes on, unheard of, or simply crazy depending upon how in looking at it. At one point maybe i was afraid that id be laughed at. or that id geta pat on the head, dismissed and like "silly boy, you knew that it could't possibly  happen —that theres been no wronger tree being barked up in the history of people barking up the wrong trees. To get dismissed or something like that, that would i believe have crushed me. ESpecialy if we go back a little ways into the past.I was really in a bad way therevfor quite some tiome, and ya know whsat? some days, I still get all twisted up and I am pretty bad off. But I always get through it, i'll occupy my time with sometinga nd just in general dont let it bother. I don't really get much say in how my brain responds in this matter and its one of the very few areas of my life here my brain still has complete authority over. Every other place, I've been able to usurp authority status and take over, even snakes to a small degree. But, Oxytocin, that shit is strong and it overpowers what we get from our Fair Lady Ephedra. So, what am I beating around the bush about?If you must know, my current mind bending projet is one of a personal nature, so that i can grow as a person. Its not that i dont think the pursuit could end up somewhere  cool, i teally do think it could. Anyway, despite my best interests I can't shake the fact that no matter what I do and how hard i try, I still have the most enormous crush on you. Was I totally wearing it on my sleeve the whole time and didnt know it? And be it known its more than that, i mean, i consider you a really good friend. And I sort of segregate one set of emotions from the other. Its easier that way. I think that ability is unique to people such as this wirh schizophrenia, the split of the emotions from the phsyical, split brain.the distancing of the affect. Well, anyway, I've been trying to turn it off, but despite my best efforts, im unable to do so.I guess one of these days, i'll either succeed, or i'll succeed. lol