I Feel like writing...

No recap: Here's an index to these pages of blabbering.

Forward momentum: 5/3 4:30pm

I got some brussel sprouts for dinner to go with the rest of my Pork. I had to buy some sour patch kids to offset the healthy. Can't be having too much of that lol

I had alot on my mind at one point, but it doesn't seem to be coming to me now, I can't smoke because my mouth is numb and I think I'm slowing down a little bit. the wind isn't blowing my sails as much. Good thing I had that candy though cuz i was getting hungry.

You said something once about not being able to have kids, are you fixed? or did you have to have an ablation, or hysterectomy for some reason? Do you know why It's called a hysterectomy... because removing the uterus cured women of hysteria. I believe it was the menopausal hysteria that they were removing but I haven't looked up the info it was just related to me second hand. Incidentally it was my first Domme that told me that. She had some unusual anecdotal information like that. One thing that I wouldn't argue with her about but just nodded my head was the well both my brothers had three kids, all girls. she said if their wives would blow them first so they could inseminate with the second ejaculation instead of the first that they would get boys that way, and that the ejaculate would be coming from the left testicle not the right, which was the one giving them the girls. I found that one humorous. Remember this was also the same woman that couldn't have an orgasm by a man without him putting his seed into her first, then she would explode. an eccentricity I found very odd if not frightening. I was just damned glad I was fixed at that point. Well, I mean I still am fixed. 

Getting fixed was probably the best damned thing I ever did for myself, which is difficult to say because I've cried myself to sleep over my lost children, the five that my ex-wife killed. It's not fair that men don't get some say, I mean I get the logic behind why we don't, but it's still not fair. Not that life is fair or equal in the tiniest bit. But Seidel and I didn't see eye to eye on child raising. She wanted to do things too differently and I was not backing down from my standpoint. My version was right. LOL Dammit.  Clean up our acts, start being model citizens, put forth the image we want to create; hard working, responsible, free thinking yet still taking college classes, no smoking, no drinking, eating right, and while she wasn't arguing too much with some of that she was against not drinking or not pot smoking, and she wanted to give the child everything it could ever ask for and more. Her mom bought her a whole new closet full of clothes once if not twice a year, all new clothes, every one of them, some clothes were meant to be worn only once. I put my foot down and was so insistent that i snipped my shit, well and I was becoming ill at the 5 embryos we had murdered already. I couldn't see either one of us going through that any more and i consequently started pulling back from being intimate because of the abortions .

Condoms just weren't my thing, that thought didn't even cross my mind, and she said that her getting her shit clamped would rob her of her femininity in the same way she said of getting a boob job would, even though her tits were causing her back problems before the age of thirty. I didn't get it. so needless to say when we adopted ashley at age 11, the death knoll was sounded, as Jennifer started (I never did tell you during that whole story the other night, that my baby moms - my first domme - her name was Jennifer, as was my ex-wife's name. My ex didn't think it was humous one bit. I thought it was great because it eliminated the chance of any slips. no calling your rebound by the wrong name. I smart. ( Just nod your head, don't even go there. ) 

So the death knoll and march to the end started because Seidel (ex wife) immediately started treating Ashley (the brat) like she (ex-wife) was raised. tons of clothes, always a race to the bottom of the bank account at the clothing shopping adventures, so much so she started hiding them from me so I wouldn't bitch about it. Like i said the house of cards started crumbling at that moment. And we weren't even married yet. 

But we decided at about that point to get married, we shot for  our ten year anniversary i think. I don't recall the reasons for not having a stateside wedding. i think it was to appease me. 

I didn't want a large wedding. I didn't mind it being ornate and lush or spending money. I was for all of that. in fact i mean both o our rings were gobs, we decided against a 3ct diamond for her, mostly because you don't wear 3ct diamonds, you put them in a safe and wear a fake. Let's face it, people will take the finger along with the ring if they want it that bad. I wasn't going to get a AAA class diamond. no. that's not how a mortal can afford a 3ct. you go off clear a little bit, towards champagne, but the price goes down, that's your first C. they grade them in 3Cs. color. clarity. and cut. then you allow a few inclusions and don't get a princess cut, which well that's just how it had to be to get a $6000 3ct diamond. but when we found out that you can't really wear it out in public, and it made sense, we opted for choice number two, which was  my idea, get a diamond straight from the mine. and since she actually liked sapphires better than diamonds we went to Thailand first. The blue corundum they have there is world renowned and highly sought after and super affordable. 

The first time i went to Thailand in 1995, 2 years before I met Seidel (Jennifer Seidel was my wife's name) I had went there and coincidentally almost married a Thai Hooker. I still have her photo. And her name tattooed on me and a matching tattoo of hers. I tacked a copy of her photo down below, (in between the two ai drawings) her name was Joy. anyway spent $ 18 for a $200 sapphire. So we went there to get one. We didn't actually end up getting one there so we went stateside to get her a princess cut sapphire from the sapphire area of Montana. I think that worked out better but what we did get in Thailand was our wedding suits and stuff made. 

Seidel was going through the wedding dress magazines and the one she wanted cost $3000 for the fucking fitting, purchasing it added another ZERO. Fuck me running. You're kidding right? So we had it made in Thailand, out of silk, fuck cotton. I think it cost about $300. I got my tux made and 7 silk shirts, silk boxers and a pair of silk robes for $300, it came complete with an Armani Label. Same wearhouse made it, i just got it out the backdoor with one less zero on the price tag. See, I do things right, with class but not the price tag. God I treated her so well and she just shat all over me. 

But anyway we were getting all the stuff done all nice but i didn't want a huge fucking wedding with her whole damned family there nor mine, neither of us wanted that really, so we elected instead to do it out of the country. First place we checked out was Todos Santos, Mexico. The place with the Infamous Hotel California of the Eagles song. Shit place. Turns out the place we liked didn't like us and we weren't even that rowdy. sure we drank until the sun came up and we broke and threw some bottles of tequila against the walls and stuff but what the fuck, it was Mexico, right? That was going to be nothing next to the wedding. But they wouldn't have us. Well fuck them. 

So we started exploring and Seidel came across Belize. So WTF, let's do it there. Now, we planned a killer get up. Everything was awesome. Complete with tours to the mayan ruins and everything. This was 2012 after all and supposedly because the Mayan calendar ended that life was going to cease on the planet. Fucking Dumbass that said that should be shot. Does the goddamned world end after December 31? NO the year starts over. The mayan calendar was just like that, it started over. I confirmed that with a mayan who was our tour guide. He said I was the first person to ever know that. But we had it all planned out. My buddy Davo was ordained and he was going to marry us. It was all great. 

As much as I have a few thousand photos of the wedding I chose to not put any on my photo collection on this site. My memoirs will just be without it. I may change my mind and put a few up, (see the link, I did it now its 9 and I gotta eat)  because there are some good ones. In fact I'll probably do that but not now, i've already taken a couple hour long detours to do other things. Like add videos to the Five Finger Death Punch - Got Your Six - Album page. And so it seems that I've got to break anyway, my mouth isn't numb anymore and i wanna eat. Brussel Sprouts are calling my name. And I got microwaveable ones so i can cook them at the same time as the pork and eat one big plate. Yummy. Plus I need time to figure out how to wrap this up, which may require me to reread it and see where I was originally heading because I'm about 3 tangents away from the original subject matter and I'm gonna have a hard time making them all come back around to fit in the box.

So my folks couldn't afford it so we bought them tickets and rooms and stuff, and we bought Davo's ticket of course, because he could barely afford rent. I guess to everyone it was obvious that we were drug dealers, but we didn't see it that way, not until  they told us, years later. Oops. We were just growing some pot and running canadian weed from Canada to the midwest. But we were pulling in almost $250k on our best year, with nothing but jenn's shoe collection to show for it, well, and my rock collection.

So you can see Vinnie in the photos, he was my best man. He admitted, after my divorce, that he was then and always had been actively involved in trying to cause us to split so he and Seidel could be together. He did a pretty good underhanded job of causing shit at the wedding. He got off the plane and got some blow and proceeded to shovel it my way so much so that i stayed heavily in a state of intoxicated whiskey dick and i don't even recall being able to consummate the marriage, heck I doubt i did any consummation that whole year, and the wedding was in October. Of course that ball was 100% in my court and Seidel considers herself off the hook for ever having to attempt to have sex, it is always the man's fault. Which, I do not get one bit. I said it yesterday, that shit is a two way street. Two people are having sex two people share in the initiation process and the one-ups-man-ship necessary to keep it sexy and fun. Bring your A game, both of you. You can't just wait for sex to magically happen and blame the other person when it doesn't, cuz that shit just doesn't work. We've spoke about this, you and I, and I feel your pain sister. But Seidel and I never spoke about it and i just became comfortable being asexual, except i wasn't asexual, I was  just celibate, and we weren't talking about that, we didn't seem to talk about much, and I don't know why. For the life of me i can't recall ever talking about us. I think we were just young and hoping that the problem would fix itself. well I don't know about her but that was kinda my attitude. I remember making notes on my phone to remind me to make an advance every three weeks, just hoping that i would one day see  reciprocation and I guess after so many years of that i just threw all my efforts into making sure the booze cabinet was always stocked. Making experiments in micromanaging my alcoholism to stay one drink below blackout seven days per week and using notes on my phone to help for when i missed 6 out of every 7 nights. somehow I managed to keep us well fed, and she could spend $10k a month as fast and often as i could hit or exceed that goal. looking backwards, i can't believe i made it work, but i did. at one point i was setting up international snowmobile media conferences, writing articles, setting up snowmobile media excursions, flying us there, getting places like anchorage to give us free gear, growing pot, and being an international pot mule while being a functioning alcoholic of astronomical proportions, drinking whiskey for breakfast, and sometimes blacking out by noon.

where was I, oh yea, Vinnie, made it so my wedding wasn't consummated and based upon my experience with Seidel, it seemed sex and formalities didn't matter to her, formalities definitely didn't matter to me, and that was just one of the lies she perpetrated through thru the whole decade and a half relationship we had. She also lied about liking rock music (she hated it, she was a country girl through and through but hid that from me, to fit in, or something). Additionally I was anti-football and she was right there with me, but she  was lying the whole time, well over 10 years, living a  lie, and yet I was the asshole that ruined the marriage she says. in reality her house of cards she built about who she wasn't and those little lies that never saw the light of day until after the divorce, those were the seeds that sprouted into the briar brush that undermined the marriage and brought it to its knees. I'm not saying i was perfect, i was far from it, but i was ignorant of the way things were and she allowed me to lean on her to take care of everything social and didn't realize that i was just as ignorant about interpersonal norms as i was social ones, like how to attend a  party, etc, she took care of that and i just has to make sure we were fed and had a roof and weed and she managed the social things and didn't bother to communicate about any of it. i spent as much time talking about what i was doing to make money and where we were going etc as i did actually doing it, but she didn't listen and didn't consider communication about her role as a thing that was needed and i was ignorant that i needed to be inquisitive about it.

So we had all of vinnie's meddling (he would come over every single weekend and make sure i was too drunk to function, and i mean he was just as drunk and so was Seidel) and we had the lack of communication, my ignorance, my alcoholism being fueled by my lack of intimacy and the increasing pressures of being a father when the only example i had of one beat me in my sleep,and taken together they added up to all being the perfect recipe of how to destroy a marriage.

All of that was going on and all the meanwhile, childhood trauma was welling up and causing my night terrors and all sorts of shit. that pattern went on for years. i'd be fine in a relationship but as soon as it started looking like a family i started tweaking out and getting stressed. i couldn't handle it. it took quite a long time going through EMDR to somewhat get over that and honestly I doubt I am ever going to be fully past it. but when this was coming up i would start kicking in my sleep, many time bruising Seidel, eventually i started sleeping in the recliner or on the couch, a pattern that had happened before when i was overweight and had to sleep with an apnea machine. Gawd those things are fucking retarded. The nurse doing my second sleep study mentioned that her husband needed one but couldn't stand it so he simply lost weight and as long as his weight stayed under a certain level he didn't snore. shit. i went that route after a while and ditched the machine. at about 210 i start snoring, anything under it and i don't. So we grew further apart quickly from that point on. and my alcoholism escalated. til finally i got a DUI, i refused the breathalyzer and so they yanked my license. the first day it was suspended i was on my way to Bellingham to get some pot stuff and got pulled over for DUI #2. Good thing it was on my way there and not on my way home with all of the pot plants in my rig. I signed up for rehab the next day.

I was good in rehab. i did everything like i was supposed to. it was inpatient so i sort of had no choice. I refused the medications they were giving everyone else to detox. Librium, a first gen benzo. I was at that time already very familiar with the detox process and I wanted to feel it. i wanted the pain & i needed the pain to associate and live through it.  i didn't want to be numb. After 30 days of rehab i went to court to show the judge and he flipped out. i went to a  state accredited rehab facility but apparently he had a nephew go though the same one and it just so happened that he didn't allow that particular state accredited rehab in his courtroom. Shit. I had to go again. Except insurance  wouldn't cover another  one and I had to pay with my own cash.  I just chose one close to home and did outpatient for another six weeks. which this one was better because they allowed cannabis if you had a prescription. i would just show up at the meetings stoned off my gourd. But hey i was following the rules. It was way easier to not drink when i could smoke pot.

At that point Seidel sold all the cars so i couldn't drive. The suburban, my pickup. i don't know if we had another, but she kept hers. And during that time after i finished rehab and was almost done with the 2 year program of probation officer check ins and AA meetings of which I attended all of them (how many people do that? not many) then we got our apprentice. He was a guy I went to high school with, didn't know back then but it was a small town so we kinda knew each other, w just ran in different circles. Jeffro. Jeff had not too long before this come out of the closet. eventually as much as jeffro learned about growing pot from me, i learned about life from him. Jeffro ended up being my savior. We built him a grow room and gave him the plants, told him what to do, he had already been growing pot but he was growing shitty pot in a dimly lit basement. We gutted his garage and put in four 1000w bulbs and went to town. In return we were going to get all of our money back plus a third of his crop income three times, or a fourth four times, i forget which. It was one of these times driving from tacoma to toledo to help out i think with the build, when Seidel asked me what I'd  do if we got divorced. I said something to the effect of go travel or commit suicide. it wasn't too long after that when she told me she wanted to separate and was going to live at her moms house. I tell people that we gave our rings back but we kinda just took them off.  I told her i refused to wear mine when we weren't married, that it was unfair to our vows, which i reminded her were til death do us part and we were still alive. I was furious. and I was bawling. i took refuge in my Facebook friends and she bolted to go live at her moms. I thought we were done. we didn't talk about it, i just made these assumptions. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, we were separated and she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. I didn't know how else to interpret that. So i started doing what any guy would do, i sought female companionship. It wasn't too hard to find. By started i meant that night, ten minutes after she left. I already had high school crushes that I was talking to but we were just chatting. I turned up the volume on those. One happened to be a gal by the name of Jennifer. She soon said she was going to come over one weekend for some drinks and just to hang out, maybe i knew there was going to be sex involved but i definitely didn't think it was going to involve her blowing me before we sat down. And it did and it didn't. I think we had one date that was just pizza and maybe a kiss. then the following weekend was the sex. it's all a blur. it may have happened all the same weekend. So she started telling me about how we had sex in high school. I didn't realize it but we had worked together and i took her out in my Camaro about August 1 of 1989 and fucked her like i did the rest of the senior, junior and sophomore class. I was working on the freshman but never got any, despite them all wanting to go a round (so i heard at a class reunion 30 years later from the principal's daughter, who was in that freshman class). So she's telling me this story about how that happened and how she gave her kid up for adoption, but the kicker was she that same weekend had sex with another guy, troy. She told me that she gave Emily up for adoption for good reasons and that she didn't want to tell me about her because she knew i would drop college to come raise the kid. I would have. she was right. but she also backtracked and said no it was Troys because you wore a condom. I told her i wore a condom with one girl and that was not her (it was Cindy Nelson, if you must know). She said she always had the guys wear them. i said you have four kids. you obviously don't know what the word always means. I insisted that she had to approach emily and get a  DNA swab that i would pay for the test. she later told me she asked and emily refused. she had just met emily a year or so prior, i mean she adopted her out, but she left a letter explaining why, but leaving out all the sperm donor info. So the kid didn't want a  DNA test and there wasn't anything i could do about it. The night I got that info we decided to go out after destroying the sheets in the bedroom. we had piled them in a ball on the floor and left her stuff in the bedroom. It was a California king bed. super nice. We were at the bar having a beer when my phone rang and i knew then what was about to happen.

That's the story of my marriage, kinda. the prequel to this article. About a year later she dumped me and about a year after that she passed away in her sleep, a couple hours after i spoke with her, which i was the last person to do so. At the funeral i saw emily that one and only time. i was too shy to introduce myself. I approached her on Facebook and told her my story and she flipped. see she was a stripper. she thought i was making it up. but i read some of her posts afterwards and she kinda knew it was true but she didn't want a  DNA test. she thought i had known about her all those years and chose to leave her out of my life. she got that part wrong. I had a  mutual friend correct it and she didn't care. when i was diagnosed with schizophrenia i had her approached again and said hey well if you ever want to know more about your dad, here's where my family house is and the ball is in your court. she has since allowed me back into her Facebook page but i don't contact her. if looking from afar is all i get i don't want to jeopardize that by trying to talk to her. Today is just about her birthday. She'll be 33. back the she was 23. She's beautiful. I did that lol it's hard to believe.

I have some more things to say but I'll save it for another post. it's now 3:45am on the fourth of May, almost 12 hours after I started composing this. I really didn't know where i was going until i got here. That's kinda how i look at life. its not about the destination, it's about the journey. i usually don't know where i'm going, but I know what i'm doing. i'm doing what feels right with the information I have at the time. I'M making the best decisions I can. You have to trust that in yourself. it's only looking backwards that we are able to connect the dots and see the path we've chosen. Along the way i've learned one valuable lesson, besides to love yourself and respect the decisions that you've made and that's a thing from AA. Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the different (it's actually a bible thing). it boils down to have the courage to change yourself because you can't change anyone or anything else, that's the wisdom. and that's all going to be explained in my next post about Monica and people, change and perspective.

Videos. L-R. Hayseed Dixie, Drinking Again. Static-X, Still of the Night (Whitesnake cover). Buckcherry, Crazy Bitch. Ozzy, Scary Little Green Men. I love Hayseed Dixie. I really do. same with Static-X but for different reasons. They scratch different itches. Buckcherry and Ozzy as well. The first time any lady ever went down on me was to an Ozzy song, in a game of truth or dare, no less. my only time ever playing that game, sadly. I really wanted to get one going at the sex club in Redmond, but it never worked out past my fantasies. Heidi was like sure, go, but she wanted me to do all the talking to get people interested, and that just wasn't me at all. She did get me allowed on the gyno chair and strapped up, spread eagle, blindfolded and fondled by all sorts of people, that was worth its weight in gold there. Bucket list cleared. The Buckcherry song was the basis for the ringtone for my second Domme Heidi. It still reminds me of her.

No AI photos this time. (But I've got shit loads here) I'm not happy with what I've been able to create. and for the first time since i found the site I've left credits on the table unused, which is odd. Well, not really as I'm not getting the accolades I wanted and so I'm pouting. I've got only two images that busted 100 likes. I seem to consistently get 30, and as much as I like some of what I do, I'm not seeing as much of the wow as i used to, and i think the lack of response comes from not letting them go at the right time, there's no one watching at 4am, so no one sees them to hit like. That's the theory I'm going with anyhow. Actually fuckit, here's two, right below. a yarn woodpecker and a cool pastel skull. with Joy in the middle, my almost first wife, a Thai Bar Girl.