A Few Things I Gotta Say

It's Tuesday, June 11 at 3:37pm. I haven't done this in forever.  And I need to hurry and find my groove and direction or I'm gonna lose it and it may be even harder to get back than it was this time.

Okay so now its wednesday June 19th and 11pm. I gotta start somewhere somehow. Lotsa things going on. Changes, things are not stagnet anymore.

Here goes. Finally on June 30, 2:08am. I'd rather be trippin on DXM. And perhaps as dawn comes closer maybe i will. Right now I think i need to let go of some things.

I went fairly long and hard on this blog for quite some time. Its obvious when you look at the chronology of it all. All that was my war cry, the yodel, i was in love. Most likely I still am and perhaps for quite some time i will be. I've let her in, not intentionally, at least not at first. Why, why did i do it, if not for oxytocin ravaging my bloodways, overwhelming my synaptic gaps, and even taking over my faps. I'm not entirely certain, but I think it was about time, i was due. i hadn't really let anyone truly in. Never. And I had a lot to say.

 I think the closest i had ever come to letting someone in was either jennifer or heidi. It was finally time to bare it all and let someone in past all my walls. Actually I think Heidi got closer, as i actually knew more about myself than i did when i met jennifer in 1997. Having met heidi in 2013, certainly a lot of time had passed, but yet i don't think i had sone the work until the last few years. And yet I've let her in further than she's come. NOt only that, but there is a lot I havent said.

While I know its a good thing for me to be doing a wonder if its the best time and with the best person. I know there is never a perfect time, but i wonder about how i am starting to really desire a certain outcome and focus on that while letting go of any in the moment sort of actions that i may have intended to constantly only playing cards that play to the bettering of my hand 3-5 steps down the road.. I'm remaining honest and sincere but im starting to maybe see a pattern of stacking the deck. Maybe we all do that. I mean if the day only allows us to play 3 cards and our mind is constantly presenting us with 7 it wants to play, its natural to prune them down right? Ive never looked at life like this. Heck ive never really cared for humans social interactions this much, let alone worked towards maximizing the chances of my desired outcome.

And what is it that i see. In a way she's smart. Uniquely in the ways that i am not. I see that as a bonus, as we can both inspire the other to grow in ways that we have mastered and the other has not. When she's on her game and not down shes quick witted. She can be not afraid.she's got some notches on her belt thaht i dont have on mine. Sje's cute without being too much so that shes conceited. just the right amount. Shes thin but not too thin.