Put Yourself

Hear me out. I have a thought experiment that I’d like to share. It’ll only take a minute, so clear your mind and read on...

People often call me by various names. While many use my given name, others come up with different monikers—some humorous like 'Mr. Foul' or 'The Pillar,' and others less so, like 'Pushover.' I don't like that name. I prefer to think of myself as a "nice guy" I like that much better. But, I digress, continue along and hear me out and it'll make sense.

Think of a job you've been doing for all of your adult life, which, in my case is more than 30 years. That's a long time. If your still doing it and you're over 50, you are either good or extremely lucky. And it's most likely the former, not the latter. I'm generally good at my job but its not easy. Why? Because it bleeds friends and hemorrhages money. I can explain.

Basically, the world is full of things you like. Everything is tempting and lots of it makes you feel good. You like these things, who wouldn't, and so does just about everyone you know. These things are not free. If someone does share them with you, they are generally a good friend. Occasionally, a guy like me comes a long. This guy has been savvy enough and invested his time.  (and money!) into finding ways to get more of these things for cheaper. It's not an easy  nor simple thing to do and its very dangerous. Mostly in that procuring these feel good things can get a person locked up in jail if a misstep is made. Yet, if a person is quick witted and knows what he's doing, he can make it a long time. Like me.

So for the better part of three decades i have been investingmy money continually and get large quantities of things so that my friends can have a safe place to buy them, that is hopefully always stocked. Not an easy task, nor a cheap one.. My friends generally like this as its much simpler than having to constantly try to procure other people with extras. Because, hey, let's face it, in doing so you would be continually risking your  freedom and, equally as bad, losing your money. I'm generally fair and try not to charge as much as the next guy and try to always have it around and in excess.

However, without a doubt, it never fails, you had to pay rent and unexpectedly buy tires for your vehicle because a nail took out your driver's side front tire. It's life, it happens. So what do you do? You need your car to get to work, you need to get to work because you need to buy things to make you happy and you, lets face it, need to eat and pay your bills. I did mention that this was just life, as shitty as it is, it happens to all of us. I won't bore you with the unexpected bullshit i had to deal with this week.

So since food and a roof and a car aren't really optional, but yet things to make  you happy are, you then come to me and see if "you can eat your cheeseburger now and pay for it later." This seems logical because I have a bunch of them happy things and stuff, already paid for. Mind you, the way I should treat this and the way that I was taught and in general the way that every other business on the planet does this, is that for an extra fee and interest, the transaction will continue without skipping a beat. But, you see, I am what is known as "a nice guy", so I give you what you are asking for, and don't charge a penny more. Nor do i charge interest, you're my friend after all.

Now, don't forget, I've been doing this for almost 40 years. Most people haven't had a job that long, not the same job nor been in the same industry. But if you can imagine something you've done a long time, 25 or more years, you know what you're doing. But this is overshadowed by the fact that, damnit, you're my friend and "Im a nice guy" So I do it. But, occasionally i'll tell people I don't want to do this, before I do it. Usually they'll inquire as to why. They'll get the same story I have been telling people for the better part of my adult life, if not all of it.

Here's what I tell them. "I don't want to do this for many reasons, and one of the biggest is that it almost always ends up the same. First, it'll change our relationship and in a few cases you'll just look at me differently, or I, you. And that is shitty, and that sucks. I like us. I don't want what we have to change. But in the majority of the cases we'll stop being friends and I won't get some money back, and the money is the trivial part." See, mostly, it's that once again, I'll lose a friend due to helping them and extending them the credit that they ask for. And I'll lose them despite giving them this warning them of the impending outcome.

And here is how it will happen. See, this will create a pattern, and this loan will become expected and routine. Maybe not this time but by the third time do we do this dance, something will happen. Life gets in the way again, and you'll be at that crossroads where its a matter of do one but not all of the following: its fix your car, help your kid, feed your dog or pay me back. Remember what you said, that you would," without a doubt, no matter what, you can trust on me"  do. Which is pay me back. And now, hey, I get it, i believe you. So far all we have is honesty and neither one of us has crossed that line. But usually, since this is your first time, you'll come to me and tell me what happened and promise that next time, "trust me, i promise, this is a one time thing and it'll never happen again" I'll pay you next payday. And a forebearance is granted. And seemingly, alll is well.  But in reality, the cycle is grinding to a hault.

Now hear me out its almost done now. But make sure you're solidly with me, I need you standing in my shoes.  My goal isn't to hurt you, gentle reader, but i want you to truly understand where i am coming from and how this makes me feel. I want you to know what its like to walk a mile in my crusty slip on Vans.

So now it's piling on just a little, but it's a hole most people can climb out of, something in the neighborhood of 50 or a hundred bucks. Don't forget this is my chosen job and i'm keeping track. To you, it's just one thing, and it's at the bottom of a long list of life's bullshit. Hey, it's a pile and we all have ours, i get it. To you, though, its that thing, maybe you are embarrassed and you don't want to think about it. I get it, i would be nervous or shy or embarrassed, anything but proud. But to me, its part of my job and I don't find math, let alone accounting that difficult and I, unlike most, take notes, meticulous notes.

So you recall, in the back of your mind, you're honest, good intentions mind, that you wanted to pay me back and its kinda jumbled in there with the fact you got another, it's all in the same pile, and life goes on but in general, maybe we don't cross paths the next paycheck, who knows, life happens. 

But see the way that memory works, it's not like a recording. No, it's anything but that. Its a long list of associations, and when you recall something that 'memory' gets recreated. And as life goes on, we get old, and we have millions if not billions of associations we keep track of in our mind, which, lets face it, is pretty amazing that it works like it does. And so, increasingly with age and time, these get crossed when we recreate them. its natural, its normal. It's why I keep notes. After almost 40 years, I have learned that the best way to remember something is to take notes, because, more often than not, memory fails. Its normal, you aren't bad, it's just the way it is. So i keep notes.

But on with the story I go. Since the original 'loan" its almost been two months. Maybe three or more. We finally cross paths again. I hate this part of my job, so i won't bring it up. And that's probably my bad. Mea Culpa. Its on me. But i'm generally not pushy, no the word is "push over" but I prefer "nice guy" you know what they say about nice guys and how and where we finish, right?

Maybe we get together a few more times, usually we do, we hang out, we share, and maybe you even grab another something to make you happy. Seems all right, but no oner brings up the elephant in the room. Let's face it, we don't want to. we both wish it would solve itself. But it doesn't. Soon enough either the time will come again or i'll finally break down and ask.

And this is what happens you respond with something like this "What? That? that was months ago" and "I paid that back then" or "Why are you still nagging me about that? I told you I was good for itm as soon as I can  I promise" and then later that day or night we part ways. For the last time.

I hurt your feelings for keeping track of something. You feel disrespected. I was simply following through and asking about something you promised. Reminding you. Inquiring. I am the nice guy. I am the push over. My voice never raised. I was just wanting to know about what promised to me. You were the one that made the promise. And had you not gotten offended, i would have even split the difference. Had you been really stout in your convictions about how things are, i would have even just let it go, if you were that kind of friend and that important. Usually, whoever you are, you are that important. it sucks. Every time. It sucks.

But that, gentle reader, is how it usually goes. Not always, but much of the time, sadly. Had i been more detail oriented earlier on in life, i would have kept track and had the statistics. But just know that it's mostly how it goes. And over forty years, i have a lot of data to back that up. I pay a lot of people to leave that way. Not because I want them out of my life, but as you can see, because I was the pushover, the nice guy. And nice guys always finish last.

The moral of the story is a lesson for both of us: On me is "don't loan out things you need back", and on you is "don't ask for loans from friends you want to keep."

Let's work it out. I really don't want to lose you as a friend, or as a reader. 

Stay positive,

Kris