Fortitude

Here's what I have to say about your most recent decision...

Hindsight is 20/20.

I remember the car ride and that moment like it was yesterday. We had just passed Scott Lake exit on I-5 south, before Scatter Creek, going to check on our apprentice in Toledo, to see how he was doing, and finish the build on his new and improved grow room. Seidel asked me what I would do if she were to divorce me. What a stupid question I thought.So I answered her with a snippy remark "Probably give up or go for broke, death by liver failure". I was the second year into recovery at the moment so that was fairly striking, She gasped. I laughed " No,  I mean you would never do that, but to play along, honestly, I think I would give it all up, and go travel til the money ran out, going for broke that way, on the road." That was her way of gauging me, checking to see how her plan would play out. She truly cared and it truly hurt her to have to go through with this. Oblivious to it then, I can see it now as I watch the videos play over in my head. I don't know what else she did in preparation, probably prepped her mom as that was where she was moving to. 

I'm sure there was a list, and the last thing on it was actually a big shocker to me, and that was to give the wedding ring back and essentially walk right out the door and start her journey to walk away from more than 15 years of her life. Away from me. I was the one who was chased. She came for me. And now she was leaving. I'll share with you something that's close to my heart, words that have never been spoken in this country. This is the vow that she broke: 

"I love you.

You are my best friend.

Today I give myself to you in Marriage.

I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.

I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard.

When our love is simple and when it is an effort.

I promise to cherish you and to always hold you in the highest regard.

These things I give to you today and all the days of our lives.

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will shelter the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth to the other.

Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling, to enter into the days of your lives together and may your days be good and long upon the Earth."

Why do I share all this? One. To sympathize, show you I know how hard this is and I've been through it, but on the other side. My heart broke. I literally screamed for a couple hours after she left, in pain. 

And I want to emphasize number two. Make a plan. A check list. Decide the best order. Don't re-think it after it's done. Just move forward with all you might, with all your will. It's going to likely take that, and a little more you didn't know you had. Pull it together. Put it in action. Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't let anything get in your way. Don't change your mind. This is your one chance. If you must change the plan, do it before you finish. Take as long as you need to get your 1-2-3-4, but do it, do it completely, don't look back, there'll be plenty of time to do that once you reach the end of your list. Everything that he says when you finally do it is hot air, don't listen. He's going to swear he'll change. It's a lie. He's going to put his best foot forward for two weeks maximum. Then back to his old ways. You must not listen to any of it. I know what I said and t was everything I could think of to get her to change her mind, it wasn't things I wanted to do, no, it was things I needed to say to try and keep her. Don't listen. 

Promise me that you'll make a plan, and you'll follow through. 

The only right way is to not sto once you start your plan. Don't stop.  I think you can do it without a car, but you shouldn't stop trying to get one, especially with Mary's help. Keep going to work. Fill the dead air with work, and start a savings account. You'll need it. The first thing is to find that paperwork and fill out the financial hardship paperwork so yay can get the fees, set aside. There's two copies. Screw up the first one and be careful on the second set. I'll do it if you need me to. I'll print off another set as well. Let know, I'm behind you 100%. Most of all, trust yourself just as I trust you. Believe in yourself, just as I believe in you.   Love yourself just as I love you. You can do this. You most certainly can do this. You're beautiful. Fucking A' and a sweet ass to boot. You're worth & deserve love. You're worth freedom. That's what you'll have when you finish executing your plan. You're strong enough. You have the fortitude and inner strength of many men. You have what it takes. I believe in that with all my heart. I know it from my soul to yours. You got this thing. Be strong. Be prepared. Do it.