Regarding Hot Springs

Okay, moving right the fuck along, i had a magical day yesterday, the other day, and I want to tell you about it. It truly was amazing.  I guess it's a long winded and probably boing story and, that being as it may, you can feel free to skip right to the final paragraph if you wish. I won't hold it against you. .... I know you've said that you've done mushrooms and acid before but everybody says that but yet not many people have really pushed the limits and truly tried to see what happens when you multiply its effects. I've known a  few guys who did thumbprints but we are a small and select few.  LSD by the way is totally non toxic. There's a documented case where a couple of guys were admitted to the ER after having snorted like two lines each thinking what they had was coke when it was in fact pure crystalline LSD, and i mean our crew was shaving off the grams and mixing it with ground up valium and snorting huge rails, man, you'd totally start to nod off and be beyond relaxed which was good when blammo the rocket ship would take off and you'd be gone for 12 hours, and whew what a ride. but anyway, that was nothing like this, it was in a way further out there, more complex, less hallucinatory by far than dmt, unless you were counting closed visuals, which i don't, and to be honest at times i was a little too intimidated to close my eyes, i wish i had a real gasp of everything, it started out, oh and by the way, this was 690 mg a low third plateau trip. i show from my notes that 75 min into it was starting to come on, my ears were ringing unusually loud, but everything else was still the same, and at 92 minutes in was where that i knew i was i for a ride, well i didn't really know but something was starting to shape up. 

I remember i had put on my music on my iMac so the sound could be closer and i made a special playlist well not really special but i made a mix for the event, and i had that on with the tv playing silent porn against the far wall, i was in my single seat sofa chair thing with a  table holding my iMac right next to it. it was sorority hazing stuff, and i was a little too high to type notes that well or play with ai art, so i decided to go to the website home of the video i was watching, the website bummed bummed me out cuz i was getting into this really cool multifaceted conversation in my head about the girls and arguing over whether or not they were acting or it was reality tv and they were like what the fuck because the theme of the videos was initiating girls into a sorority, and it (and i have this conversation a  lot just not usually with this many contrasting points of view butting it) seems like reality tv and i'm pretty sure that's what some of it is i mean you can see the midwest's dumbasses just thinking durr ta durr it's gunna be easy i get to lay there and make my $300 while this guy does all the work when in reality after the limo picks them up from airport they are treated like slaves, have to pay exorbitant rent living in bunk beds in a house with dozens of ‘models’ along with their manager pimps who force them into low paying slots at about $300 for the prettier ones ($25 for the guys) that the pimps get a cut (a third? a quarter? I forget) of but they still gotta use that money to pay $300-500 a month rent and buy their own food. And they're required to have chaturbate and miscellaneous live streaming accounts thaat are active and generating money for the pimps, plus they only get one shot at these porn shoots oh man i could go on but i won't bore you, i've seen a bunch of documentaries and still have a few of them, i could totally bring them by, but anyway it bummed me out because the site was poorly made and didn’t have any of my favorite actresses in it and yet i clicked a few buttons and through one eye squinted and looked it over, looked at the modeling ad page, which was way better than the sign up page, which i was going to do and tried to do after talking my way through all my paranoid misgivings and finding the little button that was going to charge me $39.95 after 3 days after the obligatory thing that i was worried about which was the how to cancel cuz they automatically renew after 30 days anyway, even though its supposed to be a one day only non subscription, but putting all that aside i figured it was going to be aa decision best left for when i was more coherent and could double check that scam even though i had already spent an hour trying to use my phone to get my credit card information because i was too fucked up (and more importantly too lazy) to go get my wallet out of my underwear drawer just feet away from me so i had maintained a sense of superiority to the whole situation the whole time, and was feeling like, even though i was inebriated, i was still in control. and i was nowhere near close to peaking.  I recall at one point seeing my thoughts diagrammed out in such a way as to be one sheets on many layers of sheets that was infinitely wide and infinitely deep and starting to scale upwards from there. i thought that was pretty cool, seeing my thoughts diagrammed like that and somehow knowing what they represented or what’s represented on each sheet that was in each stack and each layer. i remember a few times, my brain tried to take me down the path of a bad trip by going off in a  direction that would lead me to contemplating about what it was like to be born or to die and i have had those trips bunches of times so i was able to side step that possible drama bs and i say it that way because one time i had to experience dying over and over like hundreds of times till i came to the conclusion that one never really dies. you get recycled. that the spirit lives on and gets reborn . At worst, it's painless and you just eventually become  part of the great stone staircase that people just walked on as you watched, having no memory or thoughts really, just being there, silent and unable to die because you had run out of lives and knew everything and were  everything, yet were nothing and was simply just one speckle in the midst of an unlimited universe of stars and interconnected energy anyway. but that's when the drama starts. up until the point i had a really good clear conscious hold on everything. 

It starts to get a little hazy then. I remember that about the time it started to get all freaky and i was worried that this had seemed like it had gone on long enough, and my eyes were of the such that they were not giving me stereo vision and my coordination was not strong enough to simply close one eye and i didnt have the coordination to be able to ask my watch to tell methe time to see how long it had been, i mean it was like that and then blam, we turn the corner and it's exactly the fucking same street i take every single fucking time i get way high on acid, the sounds,  the way the patterns are, all the hallmarks  of a difficult trip but down a known path that i knew would end i knew i was going to have certain loops of circular reasoning that always i get a aha moment when i hit degree 361 and the loop starts over and i start getting confused then of course oh yea i took drugs and then confusion again, with the same song in a same loop, every fucking thing like a difficult lsd trip even the way it started with my ringing in my ears reaching a pinnacle then BONG and it all starts like dominoes toppling on an all too familiar Rube Goldberg machine, but still i can't move cuz i'll fall and my muscles are trapped in that robo-walk thing, so i've got to ride it out and it's just interesting to me that my brain gives me the same results or that i can link up to the same symptoms or memories but from a different chemical, i mean i cannot stress enough on how eerie it is that it ends up being just so deja vous but that wasn't all that wa just the middle, like it goes through that and I mentally exhausted at this point but i've still got hours to go. and I by the way i have to imagine that this could seem nightmarish at this point but it's truly crazy and eye opening i mean i did this one ride time and time again it was like a roller coaster that i couldn't stop riding. i mean so much so that we started or i started mixing lsd with other things like nitrous or dmt or valium and etc of course alcohol for whatever reason was the most popular second to weed just because it didn't affect you so somehow that made it fun to do, which i now don't get cuz if i want alcohol i want alcohol which hey that kinda sounds fun, i should get some jager or hrm jager.... 

Any way so i started to divert my attention and i notice that music is distorted which is unusually cuz usually its enhanced and i can barely hear it and i readjusted myself in my seat and blam the sound got loud and seemed to fill the room like i sat on the volume knob and i frantically search for the remote which won't turn down the music at all and i realize i've got to try to turn it down cuz i don't want to draw any attention to myself cuz i can't make it to the door and  so i sat up and that's when i noticed that the sound was like 2D, it was totally just a thin sheet of sound and i could move out of it and it was almost  silent but then back n that spot and it's totally blaring loud. That was all after the peak and the familiar acid loopback scene. I eventually had to go for food. Drats and I didnt have any candy left, it took about an hour but i finally decided upon Chef-Boy-R-Dee ravioli. I used to eat those things cold, but it was weird because i couldn't taste. I could totally tell the texture of the food like i never have before. the blueberries that I had snacked on were totally without flavor or sweetness, it was like popping some small paper balloons in my mouth. and the ravioli were like flour and water, with something close to tomato soup with absolutely no flavor at all, just the texture, salt did not help, i couldn't tell it was on there, and hot sauce kinda hurt but  again no flavor. it was odd the mouth thing was. i eventually remembered that my antipsychotic makes me sleepy and took that, but without food it has less of an effect, or so my doctor says. if i would have remembered that I had seroquel i would have popped one of those. 

So after my first yawn i turned on my a/c and pulled myself under my covers. It didn't take long before my mind was wandering and i was mulling everything over and the rv going to you just seemed perfect. i think i even sat straight up in bed when the idea fully formed. it would save me $75 a month. i can't get into a place for probably another four years when i turn 55 and those places open up. That should put enough time between me and my dv to be able to not have it be a burden anymore. But by that time, i mean well if you and I can come to an agreement. i dunno i mean, well, i guess i shouldn't be pondering this outloud. I've already written and erased and rewritten this paragraph twice. I guess this can go stepwise, but it should should be mostly in real life. That's the best way. But I can start the conversation. Do you honestly want your roommate situation to change - or i guess it would be more directly and better worded this way because your roommate situation could be changed just by you moving into the Itasca Suncruiser - do you wish to exit this portion of your life, the marriage, the junk, and maybe more? Realize a couple things. First, IIRC, and i could be wrong, there's a waiting period with a divorce. I remember there being one. There's resources and people who will help you file the paperwork, or at least there used to be women's advocacy groups that you can have access to in the Centralia City Hall that can help but I don't recall the paperwork being that difficult, with no children, you can even ask for the RV, but I think there's other options too. Now I say that and I was made to pay for my ex wife's attorney fees to file the divorce paperwork, I had made an error or two, actually, me and my mom had made a couple errors because we filled it out together. So it doesn't have to cost more than the filing fee and it's not something that's immediate, although the living situation would probably work better not staying under the same room after the papers are served. Otherwise, I think I paid $350 and that was half but it could have been i paid half and it was $600 or that could have been the total bill at either $300 or $600 its been a decade so it's hard to remember the details. I was rather upset and having to pay for any of it when I had already done it. And I think all that I did wrong was something to do with the restraining order, which isn't a requirement. And i think we can leave it there. No sense in opening the can of worms and dumping them all on the floor at the same time. Especially since if your answer is no, then there is no further to go. And, it's no fair to lie about your answer ust to advance to the next question, you can't have your cake and eat it too. BUt i don't think that you're the type to do that. If anything you're more likely to tickle fight me or figure out a devious way to extort me into  telling you the rest. And that's fair, Need I say, i've been bad, i am required to be punished. i'm sure you have a belt worthy of spankings lol